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Your Cheating Spouse: You Can't Fix Them, Spy On Them, Or Force Them to StopBeth Livingston
by Amy Allen Guest Blogger from "A Redeemed Marriage"
http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com (Third in Amy's series on sexual addiction)
When I found out my husband had been going to prostitutes for over a year and half without me realizing it, I was both shocked and relieved. Shocked, because I could hardly believe I didn't know! Relieved, because I knew God had revealed it to me.
About three years prior to finding out about the prostitutes I had kicked my husband out of our house when I found out he had an affair. When he called me one day, broken and repentant, I slowly let him back into my life – letting him earn back and rebuild my trust in him. After finding out about the affair, my Mom mailed me a book called “An Affair of the Mind,” by Laurie Hall. In it, the author expressed her own struggle with her husband's pornography addiction and acting out with prostitutes. I remember reading about the prostitutes thinking, “At least my husband's not that bad.” Little did I know what was going on in his heart and soul.
In the book three main points have stuck with me over years.
1. I needed to be more concerned about my husband's soul than I was about saving our marriage. - Mark 8:34-38
2. I could not control my husband, but must relinquish any control I thought I had over him to God. - Romans 8:6 NLT
3. I shouldn't drive myself crazy trying to be a detective and figure out what my husband was doing. Instead I needed to trust that God would reveal anything He wanted me to see in His timing. - Job 12:22, Deuteronomy 29:29
I could see my husband's soul withering away right in front of my eyes. I didn't understand about spiritual battles then otherwise I would have put on the full armor of God. Instead I just had these freshly revealed principles to cling to. It was hard to think of our marriage dissolving, but I did recognize the wisdom that my husband's soul was more important than our “happily ever after.”
The issue of control was pretty new to me. For the first time in our marriage I was forced to realize that I had absolutely no control over my husband's actions. I could cry, scream, bargain, manipulate, but in the end my husband's choices were his alone. At one point I did symbolically give my husband to God while praying with his parents and my Mom. I asked God to take hold of his life because I knew I was helpless to change him. - James 5:16
Before I knew about these principles, I had found out about the affair by snooping through my husband's credit card bills. Granted, we didn't have the best arrangement in the first place – we each had separate bank accounts, credit cards, etc; not the greatest way to “become one” in marriage. But in the book I learned that God could be trusted to reveal anything I needed to know about my husband in His way and His timing. That freed me from excessive worry, trying to control the situation, or being accused by my husband of snooping in his stuff. So when God did reveal to me that my husband had been going to prostitutes, it was obvious: an escort service flyer was stuck in the memory of my printer and came out when I tried to print something else.
Ten years after God reconciled our marriage I still remind myself of these very important and Biblical principles. It keeps me from snooping or trying to control or even change my husband, and reminds me to pray for him instead.
Remember: …with God all things are possible! – Matthew 19:26
Father, I pray for the person reading this right now. Help them to stay calm, keep their focus on You, and realize that they are helpless to change their spouse. Only You can do the kind of heart surgery that is needed in this situation. In the meantime, give them the strength to trust You, relinquish control, and believe that You can do anything. We pray that You will bring these precious souls into a living, loving and saving relationship with You, through Your Son, Jesus. We pray for true repentance and that You will reveal what needs to be brought into the light in Your perfect timing. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
Links in this Series by Amy Allen: First: When You First Discover Infidelity Second: How to Find Strength When Your Husband is Weak Third: Your Cheating Spouse: You Can't Fix Them, Spy On Them, Or Force Them to Stop Fourth: How to Find Trust After the Affair Fifth: No Quick Fixes for a Crumbling Marriage Sixth: Finding Your True Worth When You've Been Betrayed Seventh: Are You Enabling Your Spouse's Sin? Eighth: The Best Tool for Restoring Relationships Ninth: How to Build Teamwork in a Restored Marriage Tenth: Restoring the Sexual Relationship in a Marriage
About Author, Amy Allen: When my husband's internet pornography addiction led to an affair, then acting out with prostitutes, I filed for divorce. But God used what seemed hopeless to bring us both into a real relationship with Jesus. He also redeemed our marriage. You can watch our testimony on The 700 Club ( www.cbn.com/media/player/index.aspx ) or visit our website at http://www.aredeemedmarriage.com/ . There truly is hope and healing for your marriage when you allow Jesus to redeem it! Tim and Amy Allen
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About This Blogger
Overcoming Addictions blogger, Beth Livingston, hosts this blog to honor Jesus Christ for the life-changing steps He made in her life and others', offering freedom from addictions.More from Beth Livingston
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Change your passwords immediately
This one goes without saying. Your phone remains logged into your Google account, Facebook, and potentially even other apps. Thankfully, most banking apps log you out after a period of time or after you close the app. Still, it’s good practice to change the password on every account you had logged in. That way, the thief doesn’t get access to all of your personal information. Those with Google’s two-factor authentication will effectively lock a thief out of every Google service immediately after a password reset.
You’ll also want to deauthorize your device. Here’s the link for how you can do that with your Google account. Some apps, like Spotify and Netflix, allow you to sign every device out of your account from their web version. Do this for as many services as you can. That locks up your accounts tightly. It’s not much, but it’s one less thing to worry about. Some devices, like Samsung phones, have a function that erased all of your user data when your password is entered in wrong too many times. We recommend enabling that as soon as possible.
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Out with the Pyramid, In with the PlateShare on Facebook Share on Pinterest Share by Email More Sharing Options Share on Twitter Print By Nicole Nichols, Health Educator, with Becky Hand, Licensed and Registered Dietitian 6/14/2011
|2005 Food Guide Pyramid||New "MyPlate" Icon|
- Less emphasis on grains. The food pyramid was dominated by grains, which filled in the largest spot at the bottom of the pyramid in the original version, and the large orange vertical bar in the 2005 version. The Plate version reserves only one quadrant for grains (with an emphasis on whole grains) and really focused on fruits and vegetables, which take up half the plate—more than any other food group. Many nutrition experts see this as a major improvement since Americans tend to fall short of reaching their minimum 5-a-day requirements. If half of the food you ate at each meal was comprised of vegetables and fruits, you'd have no problem reaching 5-9 servings of fresh, frozen, cooked or canned produce each day.
- No mention of fats and oils (or sugars for that matter). These appeared on the old pyramid, shown in small quantities with the message to eat these foods rarely or in small amounts. These don't show up anywhere on the Plate, despite the fact that not all fats are created equal and that dietary fat is essential to optimal health. One could assume that the foods you include on your plate are going to contain fat, or be prepared in some source of fat, but the fact that it's not mentioned at all as part of a healthy diet may seem questionable—especially when Americans tend to consume too much of the wrong kinds of fats . Don’t despair, a quick click to the ChooseMyPlate.gov site provides in-depth information about fats, oils and added sugars.
- Bye, bye serving sizes. Not only did the food guide pyramid tell you how many servings of each food group to consume each day (such as 6-11 servings of grains), but it somewhat alluded to how large a single serving actually was. The Plate does not depict or mention how many servings you should eat of any particular food group, nor how big a serving actually is. Many nutrition professionals have been using a plate method similar to this to educate clients for years. The assumption is that if you eat off of a normal sized plate (nine inches in diameter or smaller), and if you don't pile your food up too high, you're eating a normal, healthy amount for weight management. In a sense, the lack of serving sizes makes the Plate simpler to implement and understand than the pyramid once was. And for more specific amounts of foods needed for children, teens, adults (even during pregnancy and breastfeeding), the ChooseMyPlate.gov site allows you to enter your personal data and get an individualized eating plan.
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